Where I am

21 Nov

This post is not about food. It’s not about sunshine, butterflies, or rainbows either. It’s about life — my actual real life. If it reads like a mess, it’s because that’s exactly how I feel right now.

I want to tell you that life has just been busy, but there’s a lot more to my blogging absence than that. Yes, things have been busy, but things have also been hard. Kailey over at Snack Face recently wrote a refreshingly open post about the adjustments she’s been going through as a young woman new to the workforce. Though I have a few years on her, I, too, have been experiencing some ups, downs, stresses, and successes that have left me speechless.

Me, speechless? I know.

Every time I sat down to write a post the last month, I felt a floodgate opening that would tell you way more about the inner workings of my life than this food blog ever intended to reveal. I started Vegging Out to talk about recipes and vegetarianism and health and fun stuff, not the things that bring me down. I don’t think I’ve attracted a following who knows me — Brigid, not the writing — well enough to want to read about the hard times. Maybe I’m totally right, but I feel disingenuous not mentioning all of that stuff, the real-life stuff. I wrote very little about leaving my ex and even less about getting with Mr. X. It’s partly for privacy, but it’s also because I didn’t want to bore you. We’re all here for the food, right?

If the lovin’ from my oven is what keeps you reading, then this may be a post to skip. I apologize for that, but sometimes a girl just needs to get real.

We arrived in Los Angeles about 10 weeks ago. In that brief period of time, I’ve moved effectively three times, made two friends, been betrayed by one, started at a stressful job, endured hours (days?) worth of commuting, given up on cooking for weeks (not an exaggeration), been broke, been hurt, and cried more tears than I thought possible. I’ve lost a loved one, lost a large sum of money, panicked, and wondered if this opportunity was worth all the anguish. The following stressors are currently haunting me:

  • I miss my friends. I’ve never been a great friend in terms of reaching out to do fun stuff. I do think I’m always there when I’m needed, though. I guess I’m the opposite of a fair-weather friend. Anyway, I’ve been like that for years, and I’m very lucky to have a great group of gals who love me anyway. This past summer, I grew much closer to my ladies when one of nearest and dearests died. You remember this post? Less than a month into their epic trip, she found him dead of a drug overdose. I didn’t post about it before because I didn’t even know how. I’ve been friends with both of them since 9th grade; they’d been committed to each other for, gosh, seven years? The only positive part of his death was how close it brought all of us together. Then — poof — I was gone.
  • I don’t make friends easily. I’m a total extrovert, but I am not good at meeting and endearing myself to new people. I don’t know how I ever did it before, honestly. It’s very difficult as an adult to do that, at least for me. I’m trying to get over it, but it’s hard, especially since the first friend I made in LA screwed me over about a month after we met. I miss having people to call, even if I never call anyone. As a result, I’ve been feeling incredibly isolated out here. I’m just thankful I have Mr. X.
  • Work is . . . work. I don’t feel comfortable launching into a diatribe about my work situation, considering that I don’t conceal my identity all that well, but let’s just say it’s been rough, and there have been tears.
  • We moved. I told you about the roommate situation and its general badness before; well, it got worse, and we quickly ousted ourselves to a pad of our own. We actually love it, but we have been lacking many basic amenities (we slept on the floor several nights and went two weeks without a plate or anything to cook with), plus relocating is always expensive. We won’t get the rest of our stuff until after Christmas.
  • I’m nearly constantly broke. LA is ridiculously expensive. I knew that coming in, and we’ve actually managed our money a lot better than I feared initially, but the pinch is still there.
  • Traffic is an enemy in itself. That’s not an exaggeration. I think being stuck in hours worth of bumper-to-bumper every day is contributing greatly to my sadness.
  • I’ve been eating crap. Yesterday was the first time I cooked since, well, I don’t even remember. Before Halloween. It’s been awful, and I feel awful. Part of the reason I’ve been hiding from the blog is that I’ve consumed a lot of dairy of late. I feel like a failure, which is ridiculous, but it’s true. I’m slowly trying to get back into the habit of preparing my brand of healthy meals, but I’ve been mostly kitchen-less for quite a while now. That certainly takes its toll and quickly.
  • I have no outlets. I’m stuck in an awkward spot between really needing a creative outlet and having no energy to seek one out. I’m hoping that a return to cooking will help ease this some, but I also know sometime soon I will have to start being me again: baking, crafting, acting, dancing, SOMETHING. I don’t do well with a lack of stimulation.
  • Sully died. She deserves a post unto herself. I miss that little hair ball more than I can express.
  • Relationships are hard. All of them, from friendships to family to significant others. Add all these other stressors on top, and shit just ain’t easy.

Though things have been rough — and they really, really have — I’ve decided that yes, seizing the chance to uproot my life on my (our) terms and throw caution to the wind was absolutely worth the countless hours I’ve spent weeping. But it hasn’t been an easy conclusion, and it has been one that’s required way too much conversation, way too much tissues, and a very, very long list of mental pros and cons. The good news is that I’m slowly rediscovering ways to be happy again.

In all of the crap that has gone down, there have been some positives. Mr. X and I are closer than ever. It’s amazing what pursuing a dream can do: it can tear you down or build you up. Our bond is stronger than ever, and despite all of the icky crap we’ve mucked through in the last two months, he has been my one bright, shining point. I don’t know how I could have survived this cluster without him.

I have really miss blogging. I’ve missed all of you; I just haven’t known how to return. I promise not to turn this place into my free therapy, but maybe I’ll inject a little more Brigid here and there. After all, I eat real food to fuel my real life. You can’t have one without the other.

If you read this crazytown post, thank you. I really mean that. It’s hard to open up to the world and not know what kind of reaction you’ll get. I appreciate every one of you.

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6 Responses to “Where I am”

  1. heather November 21, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

    *hugs* to you Brigid! I’m sorry things have been so rough. But you’ve made some huge changes, and there’s going to be some adjusting with that. It all takes time. I know a great gal like you will make lots of great friends! I find that if you follow your passions, you’ll find kindred spirits. Take care of yourself and try not to get too run down! So sorry to hear about your pup 😦 that’s rough! Here’s to a bright and beautiful new year for you and Mr x!~

    • Brigid November 22, 2011 at 9:41 am #

      Heather, you’re such a sweetie! I really appreciate your kind words. There’s always a huge adjustment with moving, and though I’m good with most change, making friends is not one of those things. That’s just the way it is. I’d probably be less down if the holidays weren’t approaching, too, but I always get the winter blues. I am keeping my chin up, and it’s much easier with friends like you, so thank you.

  2. actorsdiet November 22, 2011 at 7:57 am #

    honesty is always the best policy, i feel. it allows you to acknowledge what isn’t working and change it! good luck!

    • Brigid November 22, 2011 at 9:42 am #

      Thank you, Lynn! I hate putting negativity out there like this, so I appreciate the kindness. My next post will be more upbeat, and I hope it’s a snowball effect — but with no actual snow. I moved to LA for a reason. 😉

  3. Fran November 25, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    In a way, it is good to see other bloggers feel similar. I started out having my blog just to show my food – but of course the person behind it shines through. It just seems so wrong to be happily presenting oneself as doing perfectly fine, cooking nice meals etc to the outside world – when on the inside the exact opposite is true. I definitely understand your dilemma, and I’m impressed that you were able to solve it the way you did, by simply expressing your problems. I hope you feel better soon and am glad I stumbled upon your blog. Good luck!
    Fran

    • Brigid November 30, 2011 at 2:34 pm #

      I’m glad you found my blog, too! I started reading yours. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. What you said is exactly how I felt: it was disingenuous to go on as if everything was fine and I was eating lovely things, when really life just kinda has been sucking. I’m hopeful that things are on an upswing.

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