Why the Food Network will never offer me a cooking show

21 Jan

Caveat: I think I’ve seen the Food Network twice intentionally. I don’t have cable, and when I stay somewhere with all those fancy channels, I gravitate more towards the painful decorating or travelling shows than something that’ll just make me hungrier than I already am most of the time.

All the same, here are 12 reasons why you’ll never tune into Vegging Out on the tube:

  1. I am a mess in the kitchen. I don’t care how many little helper monkeys are around to wipe the countertop. My workspace would still look like a disaster film.
  2. I don’t like to measure things. Sure, when I bake, I make sure the flour is properly scooped, but in cooking, I throw a little of this and a little of that until it’s the color/texture/flavor I want.
  3. I don’t do prep work. There’s always the perfect casserole waiting in the wings or the immaculately julienned carrots on a cooking show. I don’t do that. I never, ever properly set everything out and get it all ready before I begin cooking.
  4. My food is ugly. I know a food blogger should care more about aesthetics than I do, but I just can’t most of the time. If it tastes good, it can look like garbage for all I care.
  5. My mouth isn’t always family-friendly. As I alternate between spilling flour everywhere, attempting to dismember parts of my body with my new knives, or squeezing lemon juice into an open wound, the language around my tiny kitchen can be a little, well, blue.
  6. There has already been a Jamie Oliver. I don’t always dress, well, at all to cook. Are you horrified? Then welcome to my world.
  7. There’s no meat or dairy, or much oil in my kitchen. I think folks would be bored pretty quickly.
  8. I don’t have crazy eyes. Is it just me, or are most cooking-show hosts a little frightening? Not that I’m all sunshine and butterflies, but some of those people just look down-right scary. I won’t name names (unless you ask nicely), but certain famous chefs look Satan-possessed.
  9. I can’t make Brussels sprouts sound sensual. They aren’t. Most food isn’t. I’ll leave the cooing and stroking to Giada and stick with irreverence, thank you.
  10. No one should eat that much hot sauce. But really, are there other condiments?
  11. I’m a picky eater. There are so, so many ingredients I’d never use (raisins, olives, pickles, nutmeg, etc.). That isn’t very appealing to viewers, methinks.
  12. I have weird habits. I cool my muffins upside-down on the rack to avoid soggy bottoms (so many jokes come to mind). I chop in a very bizarre, spastic manner that I can’t really describe. I do many things to make up for the fact that I’m an uncoordinated little person. Some of these things are best seen only by those who love me.

One Response to “Why the Food Network will never offer me a cooking show”

  1. Jeff January 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

    I am with you totally on not measuring things…my mom taught me to just add spices until it tasted good!

    Your aversion to olives, however, I find truly disturbing…

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